


Fortune

by redwoodroots



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gravity Falls - Freeform, Sea Grunkles, Stan o War, stanventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 17:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14939012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redwoodroots/pseuds/redwoodroots
Summary: Ford and Stan find a mysterious island off the coast of Japan.  It is filled with treasure and a VERY interesting surprise...





	Fortune

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of Stan and Ford's birthday, may I present a sea grunkle fanfic!

“AAAAAAH!” 

“Dang it, Stanley, stop screaming!” 

“Whaddaya expect me to do, sing and dance?!” 

They were falling very rapidly down a very steep tunnel. Ford thrust his arms and legs out, attempting to brace himself against the tunnel's sides to slow his descent. Unfortunately, Stan's feet hit his shoulders and jarred Ford loose. 

“Agh! Stan!” 

“Where does this thing even – ?”

The two of them abruptly free-fell through the air and then landed on a cold stone floor. 

“Ow!” 

Ford grunted and struggled out from under his brother. “Hang on, I'll get out my light. Don't move around much in case you –”

_Clang._

“OW!”

“...hit something. Never mind.” Ford dug his penlight out of his pocket and clicked it on. Stan gasped. 

They were standing in a round cavern with roughly cut stone walls. It was quite large, and the ceiling disappeared into the darkness, but it was difficult to tell how deep the cavern went – because it was stuffed with piles of glittering gold objects. 

“Yes! YES!” Stan whooped and threw himself onto the nearest pile of gold, tunneling into it like a squirrel. 

Ford half-smiled. “You're gonna get crushed,” he warned, but of course Stan was far from listening. 

He left Stan to his gold fever giddiness. He set the penlight behind his ear, took out his notebook, and began documenting the artifacts. There were vases, chalices, rings, fabrics, tapestries, even cutlery, from all over the world, each made of or decorated with gold and precious gems. It was like walking through the most priceless geode in history. 

“Amazing,” he murmured. 

Stan popped out of a pile of coins. “BOO!” 

“Agh!” 

Stanley laughed. “Gotcha, Sixer! Are you seeing this stuff?” Stan held up a knife in a solid gold sheathe. “I haven't seen anything with this much gold on it since that vault in Cincinnati! Which I did not break into at all.” 

“You realize caches like this are usually booby-trapped,” Ford said. 

“Yeah, but this stuff's been abandoned for ages! I mean you saw the dust in the cave up there before we fell down the tunnel.”

“But the furniture in the cave looked like someone had lived here. Not to mention the fabric.”

“Huh?” 

Ford took the nearest piece of clothing from a pile and held it up. It was a Grecian garment with gold clasps. “If this is an authentic kolpos, it must be over a thousand years old. I'm not surprised the gold survived, but the fabric should have long since rotted away. Someone must've kept this in good repair. Given the variety of objects, I would guess this is the trove of a band of pirates.”

“Ford, seriously? We explored the whole island and saw nothing but sand, trees, and spiderwebs. Tell you what, first trip we make back from the Stan O' War, I'll bring every can of bug spray back with us. Alright?” 

“' _First_ trip'?”

“Uh, yeah! Unless you wanna invent a conveyor belt outta seashells, we ain't gettin' all this in one trip.” He looked around. “Man, what I wouldn't give to have had this stuff fifty years ago.” 

Ford looked up. “Stan –”

“Hey, let's get this stuff outta here, huh? If this really is a pirate lair, I wanna be sailin' away before they come back.” 

“Alright.” 

Stan stuffed the knife into his coat and shoveled as many coins as he could into his pockets. Then they crawled back up the tunnel. 

The island was just off the coast of Japan, and about the size of a city block. It had smooth sandy shores and a variety of trees, including olive, fig, and laurel. It sloped up in the center to form a smallish mountain of rock. The cave was at the top of the mountain.

It certainly looked like someone had lived there once: there were a few pieces of furniture, the remnants of a garden, and, of all things, a curtain rod stretched across the cave's entrance. But the furniture had all been smashed or rotted, the garden run wild, and the entrance curtained with spiderwebs. 

They crawled out of the tunnel at the back of the cave and went to the entrance, stopping to check their surroundings. But there were still no other boats or people in sight.

Stan grinned. “Alright! Let's load up our boat!”

“Wait a second.” Ford bent to study a spiderweb near the entrance. “These lines in the web...they almost look like some sort of code.” 

“You thought the Aurora Borealis was a code.” 

“It was, the Venetians were using it to send infiltration reports. But this almost looks like...ancient Greek?” 

“On a _Japanese island_.” Stan shook his head. “I'ma go stash this treasure before you find something spooky that wants to kill us.” 

Ford barely heard him. He'd already gotten out his notebook and was quickly drawing a sketch of the web. His Ancient Greek was rather rusty, but this didn't look like actual words. A code was looking more likely every second. He finished sketching the first web and moved onto the next.

“ _Sumimasen,_ ” a soft voice whispered. 

He looked up. 

 

Stan headed back from the boat with five burlap sacks rolled up under each arm, plus a couple of ropes. He rounded a clump of trees and the cave came into view. Ford was there, but he wasn't alone – some lady in a white dress had shown up. She had long black hair and some kind of bundle in her arms, like a baby.

Stan groaned. He hadn't seen any other boats, so she probably lived here. Maybe Ford could distract her or something while Stan got the treasure. 

_Wait. She lives here in a cave covered in spider webs?_

Stan paused, squinting. Something was off here. The way she moved, the way her dress was all big and boochy in the back – it seemed weirdly familiar...

She offered Ford the bundle. The back of her dress shifted again, and suddenly it clicked. 

“FORD!” Stan yelled. “Wait, don't take the –”

“AAAGH!” 

Ford dropped the bundle. It wasn't a baby. It hit the ground and exploded into hundreds of mutant spiders, buzzing and skittering, swarming up Ford's legs. He stumbled back, whipping out his gun, but the lady took a flying leap and transformed mid-air, growing six extra legs, a huge hairy butt, and big black mandibles like twin scythes. His gun went flying. 

“ _LEFT HOOK!_ ” 

Stan landed a solid blow right on her jaw, knocking her into the rocky wall. Ford grabbed one of Stan's burlap sacks and shoved it over her human upper half, cinching it tight. They sprinted down the path. 

“I thought they – only had those – in the Oregon!” Stan panted. 

“Jorougumo are Japanese spider-women!” Ford said. “It must've gathered its treasure from its victims!” 

Something hard hit Stan in the back and he hit the ground hard – then realized he was being dragged backwards. The spider had webbed him and was reeling him in. 

“Stan!”

The spider dragged him under her huge spider-butt and shot him with web after web, cocooning all but his head. Desperate, he head-butted her in the gut. This turned out to be a bad idea: her thorax armor was hard as a rock. “Ow! Sixer, little help here!” 

“Hold on a minute!”

“What?! In a minute I'll be dead!” Baby spiders flooded out of the trees skittered towards him from all directions. He tried to roll away, but he was stuck fast. “Ford! Seriously!”

The spider hissed with laughter, clacking her mandibles. “Kitaru, musume! Otoko no –” She broke off with a screech. Ford had gone back for his ray gun thing and blasted her in the back. She whirled around and Ford fired again and again, forcing her back into the trees. He reached Stan, pulled out a knife, and started slashing at the webs. 

“Stan, are you alright?” 

He spat out a spider. “I'm arachnophobic now if that's what you're asking!” 

Stan pulled free from the webs and the two of them ran for the boat. The trees parted and the boat came into view, bobbing in the waves, but more spiders poured out of the forest. They covered the beach like a black tide. Ford quickly blasted a path, turning the beach into scorched glass and burning spider-bits. 

“We just have to get off the island!” he shouted. “The Jorougumo probably can't –” 

“ _AAAAAAGH!_ ” 

“Look out!” 

Stan shoved Ford hard, knocking them in apart just as the spider landed where they'd been seconds before. She spun around, blocking the path to the boat. Her eyes burned red with rage. She hissed and leaped straight for Ford. He fired but her spider legs grabbed his arms, pinning him to the ground. His shot went wild and the gun flew from his hand. She lunged for his neck. 

Stan darted forward, pulled the golden knife from his jacket and rammed it into a crevice on her thorax. She reeled back, screaming and bleeding. Ford gave her a well-aimed kick that landed her flat on her back, legs waving in the air. 

“C'mon!” Stan grabbed Ford's arm and they sprinted like crazy. They hit the water, splashed through it and climbed onto the deck. The spiders were so frenzied they were actually clogging up the waves, piling over each other to crawl aboard the boat. 

“Stan, get the bugspray!” Ford called, running for the wheelhouse. 

Stan reached for the spray, grabbed two cans and nailed the spiders with it as they climbed up the boat's sides. 

Mama Spider finally flipped herself back over, snarling and snapping her massive mandibles. 

“Hold on!” Ford gunned the engine and the boat shot forward. The spider mob was thrown back to the beach and the boat moved away from the island at 20, 30, 40 knots.

Stan punched the air! “Yes! Take THAT you Darlene wannabe! You want some o' this?! TOO BAD! Ain't nobody...uh, Ford, why is the island not getting smaller?” 

“What?”

Stan pointed. The boat was definitely still moving at 50 knots. But the island wasn't getting any farther way. In fact, it looked like it was getting _closer!_

“That's amazing!” Ford exclaimed. “According to my instruments, the whole island is mov–”

 _Thunk._

Stan turned to see Ford sliding to the floor. 

“Ah, shit!” The boat lurched as he ran for the wheel. He grabbed it and managed to keep them from capsizing. “Sixer? Are you okay? Who's better, Edison or Tesla?”

Ford groaned. 

_Shit, shit, shit!_ Stan looked around frantically. _Okay, okay, think like a nerd! The island's faster than us, but we're smaller – maybe we can just outmaneuver it!_

He swung the boat hard to the left. The island overtook them even faster now. Stan aimed the boat around the island and the spider lady followed from the shore, hissing and clicking her mandibles, surrounded by her brood. She shot her webbing at them but they were a few yards out of range. 

“SUCKER!” Stan shouted. 

And then he saw a large outcropping of rock right in front of them.

He yelled and gunned the motor. They came so close the rock literally scraped barnacles off the boat – Stan felt the grinding right into his teeth – 

And then they were home free. The island passed them kept right on going in a straight line. The spider lady jumped up and down on the beach, spitting mad. Stan laughed. 

“TAKE THAT YA FRIGGIN' WEIRDO!” he shouted, waving his hands. “YEAH, YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG TWINS! PINES, PINES, PI – hey!” 

The island had disappeared. 

One second it was there, cave, trees, and all, and the next it was just...gone. No fog or anything. He checked the radar, but it wasn't showing up there, either. 

“OI! Get back here with my gold! This is karma payment for that vault thing, isn't it?! The toilet seat was not my fault!” 

At his feet, Ford groaned. 

“Aw, c'mon, can't you – hold in the poison or something?! The island's getting away!” 

Ford groaned again. “Stan...” 

He sighed. “Alright, alright, geez. Let's see the bite.” 

He rolled his brother over onto the deck. Yep, she'd definitely given him a mega-sized hicky. 

“Well, the good news is it's not oozing puss! Bad news is you're probably gonna be slightly paralyzed for the next few hours.” He tried to haul Ford over his shoulders, but the nerd was way to heavy. “Can you walk before the rest of the venom sets in? You ate like ten pounds of crab last night and I can't carry alla that.” 

Ford struggled to get his feet under him. He wasn't too successful at it, but at least it took some of the weight off. Stan dragged his brother out of the wheelhouse and around to the other side. There was a bench where they sometimes sat to eat lunch. Stored underneath it were fishing supplies, a telescope, and a couple of fuzzy blankets, courtesy of Mabel. Stan dropped Ford onto the bench and got out a blanket to cover him with. 

“Hang on,” Ford managed. “We should – be taking recordings of the isl–” Suddenly his face turned green and he leaned over. 

“WHOA!” Stan got a bucket under his brother just in time. “Okay, yep, there's the crab.” 

“Fascinating,” Ford gasped. “I didn't know Jorougumo were poisonous... Quick, Stan, take notes of my –” 

Stan leaned back as his brother vomited. “If you want me to record the color of your vomit, Ford, I don't love you that much.” 

He was starting to worry. When Darlene bit him, he just hurt all over and his limbs felt stiff. (Well, stiffer than usual.) He hadn't thrown up or anything. Was this spider's venom actually dangerous? 

Ford finished vomiting and leaned back, sweat plastering his hair to his forehead. “My slip – my _symptoms_ , Stanley. Get my notes in my –” He broke off, looking rather green. 

“Alright, alright, don't blow chunks.” Stan messed around in Ford's jacket until he pulled out the notebook. “Okay.” 

Ford opened his eyes slowly. “Okay...what?” 

“Symptoms, Ford, c'mon. I need to know how to treat you.” 

It took a second for Ford to respond. “Warm,” he finally said. “Really, really warm. Sort of weak. Vomiting. Lower –” He started rolling off the bench and Stan caught him. 

“Adding 'limp noodle' to the list.” 

“Why do they call them 'beanies', anyway?” 

Stan blinked. “What?” 

“Beanies.” Ford pointed about two feet to the left of Stan's head. “I understand fezzes. They're fuzzy. Why do they call them beanies? Did someone fill them with beans?”

“Are you... _drunk?_ ” 

“I've never been ineb – ineb – inedible in my life!” 

Stan laughed. “Holy crap you are so drunk right now!”

Ford stared up at the sky, his eyes blurred. “A moving island and ancient Geek...have I read about that somewhere...?” 

He grinned. “'Ancient Geek'. I will _never_ let you live that down.”

“I wonder if it goes all over the world. And picked up a spider lady because it's near Japan. Then it moved again. It's an island getaway. Literally!” He chuckled and started to roll off the bench. 

“Yep, okay, off you go!” Stan rolled Ford onto the deck – he wasn't staying on it anyway, and Stan didn't want the nerd falling off and hitting his head. Then he grabbed some rope, tied him up in the blanket, and lashed him to the hooks sticking out of the bench so he wouldn't roll around. “Ha! A nerdbot burrito! Now stay right there 'cuz I gotta film this!” 

Stan ran downstairs, grabbed the laptop, and hurried back up. By the time he got there Ford had somehow turned himself around in the blanket burrito so only the back of his head showed. 

“If you vomit in there I ain't cleanin' it up,” Stan warned. 

Ford lifted his head just enough to glare at Stan. “You betterrr not slow this to Maper and Dipper.”

“I am _definitely_ showing this to Maper and Dipper!” 

“Yerrr haffing way too much funnn.” 

Stan grinned. “Hey, I just lost a fortune in gold, I gotta get my kicks somewhere.” 

Ford mumbled something into the blanket.

“What?”

He lifted his head. “I said, 'Screw Dad, you're already worth a fortune.'” Then he promptly dropped his head back down and started snoring. 

Stan stared at him for a few minutes. Then he looked at the laptop. He hit replay. 

“ _I said, 'Screw Dad, you're already worth a fortune._ '”

“Well, I can't show it to 'em now,” he said hoarsely. “Low blow, Sixer.” 

He went back to the wheelhouse and aimed the boat in the direction the island had taken. Probably wouldn't catch up to it, given how fast it was going, but what the hell. He set it to autopilot. Then he went downstairs, fixed up a hangover cure, and headed back up. 

He'd lost a billion dollars worth of gold that morning. And he was grinning from ear to ear. 

**Author's Note:**

> Qeb fpixka fp Ldvdfx, tefze kl jxk tfii bsbo cfka qtfzb. Ploov, Pqxk!
> 
> Happy birthday, Stan and Ford!


End file.
